Can You Get Over Your Ex?

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You love your ex very much. You know this because every time you think about her, you have a small, warm heart attack. But the terrible news is that your ex does not love you back. You know this because A) she broke up with you, and B) she said the following hurtful sentences to you:

– I do not love you.
– When I think of you, I do not have small, warm heart attacks.
– My feelings toward you are entirely platonic, just like they are toward things like cups or a bench.
– All my frowns are dedicated to you.

You call your ex. The phone rings for a while before she picks up.

Hello, she says. This is your ex speaking.

What do you want to say?

The word you saidhephis not a real word. Try saying something else.

Yes. The brutal sentences I said to clobber your feelings were:

– I do not love you.
– When I think of you, I do not have small, warm heart attacks.
– My feelings toward you are entirely platonic, just like they are toward things like cups or a bench.
– All my frowns are dedicated to you.

Yes, of course. Here they are:

– When we would hold hands, I would imagine that I was holding hands with notorious terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed because that made it slightly more pleasant.
– The only reason I didnt break up with you sooner is that I was enrolled in a government program that awards tax credits for spending time with people like you.
– You know that stage of carsickness when you become powerless to the gastric turmoil and it is 100 percent inevitable that you will disgorge? You dont know when it will happenfive seconds? Five minutes? But youre certain that its coming, and youre just sitting there waiting in this horrible state of suspense? This is the exact sensation I feel whenever you are near me.
– When I look at your face, I believe in God less.

You hear her exhale loudly.

Why did you call me? Dont you see that your weakness only gives me more power? Oh, little boy, dont you know that I savor it? You need to get over me. Until you do, you will never be happy. Get over me, you pitiful ape.

Those arent real words, either. Get it togetheryoure blowing it!

No, that is a lie. I am not your girlfriend. Please do not talk to me anymore. I am having a terrible time talking to you on the phone right now. Bye.

You say bye, but she has already hung up the phone. Oof. Your heart feels like a birthday cake that has been thrown to the dirty ground and everyone is standing around pissing on it, and also this is happening at your dads funeral and the eulogy is being delivered by the villain Hellraiser.

Yes, good. Tears are the natural secretion. Continue to weep until you have depleted all the salt from your head.

Thats it. Good. This is a great activity for you.

Mmmm, yeah. Keep spraying out tears. It feels good to your face.

Keep going…keep going…

Annnnnd stop. You have mourned the death of your love bond, and now you must move on. It is time for you to begin the process of getting over your ex. It wont be easy, and it wont be fun, but it also wont be easy or fun.

So, what do you say? Are you ready?

You cry and cry until your tear ducts are withered and parched, and even though theres no more liquid to squeeze out, you keep crying nonetheless, to the point where your eyes begin to excrete brain tissue in ground-beef-like ribbons. Once youve cried out your entire brain, you gaze catatonically at the dimming world in front of you until you eventually lose consciousness and collapse sideways. Presumably, you die.

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Great. Onward, glum dope!

There are many ways to move forward following a breakup, but its important that you choose whats best for you. What would you like to do to get over your ex?

Memes give us emotional resolve. They extract the marrow of our innermost beliefs and fears and repackage it in a simple, digestible way that makes us nod our heads like Yes…yes…yes. Perhaps looking at some memes about relationships will give you the strength you need to move on from your ex.

This is an excellent meme that shows a ripped heart. Surely this is something you needed to see.

Yes! This meme absolutely nails it on the head.

Its funny, but also so true.

Wow, these memes are making you feel better already!

THIS.

Whoa…deep.

This meme pulls no punches, and thats what makes it so powerful.

Incredibleits like this meme is reading your mind. Seeing this gives you hope that you can move past your ex.

DEFINITELY bookmarking this meme.

The truth hurts, but as this meme proves, sometimes its necessary.

LOL, this is EXACTLY what its like.

Ouch. This Inconsiderate Flower meme is absolutely savage.

Wow…if only youd seen this powerful meme when you were still with your ex, maybe things wouldve been different.

Damn. This is one seriously powerful meme. It really opens your eyes as to how your ex wronged you.

You have now looked at all the memes on the internet. What would you like to do now?

The memes moved you in unexpected and profound ways, so much so that it feels like you have been emotionally reborn. Your pain and anger have dissipated, and your past feels like its a million miles behind you.

But to gauge whether you are truly over your ex, you must first pass a test. When you look at this inkblot, what do you see?

A Thanksgiving turkey ripping its own legs off to cheer up a crying child? Wow. Youre really showing your cards on this one. Obviously, you are the crying child, while the turkey is a wishful projection of your girlfriend. In this fantasy youve created, she is willing to do whatever it takeseven rip off her own legsto restore harmony with you and be in a relationship with you once again.

Clearly, the memes did not work. Youre still crazy for your ex. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Your ex seductively offering you two cordless phones? Well, doesnt take a genius to figure out what that means. Obviously, your ex represents God, and the two cordless phones represent the Past and the Future. Youre torn over which phone to answer, as the Future offers you escape from your present sadness, but the Past offers you a chance to return to a happier time in your lifea time when you were still with your ex. Clearly, you havent completely moved on from her yet, otherwise you wouldnt even be considering the phone from the Past.

Looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Bob Costas smiling? Well, it doesnt take a genius to figure out what that means. Youre thinking about Bob Costas becauseduh!hes your exs dad.

You were dating Bob Costas daughter, and now youre subconsciously projecting his smiling face onto things because it takes you back to happier times. Clearly, youre still crazy for your ex!

Looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Something innocuous with no subliminal connotations, eh? Not quite.

Take the first letters of each of those words and you get SIWNSC, an acronym for Self-Inflicted Wound Nursing Station Clerk. Now, remember how you met your ex? You were at the hospital due to a self-inflicted wound (youd accidentally hacked your pinky off trying to cut a bagel with a spoon), and no one at the nursing station wanted to take the severed finger from you because it was covered in chocolate and fire ants from the car ride over. No one, that is, except for an exceptionally cute and compassionate clerk who kindly took the finger from you and persuaded you to stop screaming. It was love at first sight, and you asked her out right then and there as you bled out on the hospital floor. SIWNSC. Clearly, youre still crazy for your ex.

Looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Your ex sitting on a frogs lap, eh? Sounds like the depraved wishful projections of someone who is still hopelessly infatuated with his ex.

Sorry, looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Hmm…on one hand, its understandable where youre coming fromthe central shape of the inkblot, with its menacing white eyes, is certainly evocative of a cobras head. But on the other hand, what you apparently perceive as cocker spaniel heads dangling from either side of the cobras mouth seems far off the mark, as the canines ears are inarguably beagle-like in proportion. Thats an alarming distortion of reality on your behalf, indicative of someone who is in a state of profound emotional turmoil likely stemming from the recent separation from a loved one. Clearly, youre still crazy for your ex.

Looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Incorrect. Nothing about this image is suggestive of wrenches. For someone to arrive at such a conclusion, hed need to be in a state of severe emotional turmoil likely stemming from a recent separation from a loved one. Clearly, youre still crazy for your ex.

Looks like the memes didnt work. Youre going to have to try something else.

What else would you like to do to try to get over your ex?

Yes, good. Your ex is all you can think about, and your sadness for her has taken over your life. Clearly, the only way to escape this cruel cycle of misery is to engage in various destructive behaviors and make the world bad for everyone around you.

How would you like to spiral out of control?

Oh, yeah, baby, its time to go off the rails with the rowdy motorcycle water called beer.

Yes! You are throwing back that beer like a real outlaw. Soon, you will forget that your ex even exists.

Wow, you are getting so drunk right now.

The beer is really starting to take over now. You are acting disorderly and rude as hell, running up and down the stairs and moving around all the cushions on the couch. You are clapping along to the rock-and-roll song Bad To The Bone, and the alcohol is making your penis hard and wide. Maybe you should slow down.

Hoo boy. Youve had so much beer! This is shaping up to be a seriously legendary bender.

You should probably stop drinking, but you feel like you just need a little more beer to finally forget your ex and move on with your life.

Oh, no. You overdosed on beer and died. What a waste.

If its any consolation, by dying, you technically got over your ex. But there were better ways, kid. Damn.

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You look around for the baddest, toughest group of delinquents in town and end up finding these guys. You can tell theyre really bad because they drive bulldozers for cars and seem radically opposed to all societal norms regarding having sleeves.

No.

Hmm, doesnt seem like they want you to hang out with them.

No.

Seems like they really dont want you to hang out with them. But maybe you just need to do something really tough first to prove you belong and earn their respect.

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